The Shift

The reality of living with cancer, is that my feelings toward it are different from one day to the next. While it's true that I wouldn't change my life-giving diagnosis, it's also the case that some days are tough. In these moments there's a gnawing fear that something is growing, insidious and unseen, beyond my control but within my body. It manifests as a darkness and is overwhelming. This is when meditation comes into its own. Breathing brings me back to peace. There's a deep reassurance in reclaiming just an element of control whilst releasing all control! Of knowing that I'm doing my best, and that my best is good enough. Meditation has brought me an understanding that I'm here purely to experience, to play. We humans are powerful beings and whatever the outcome of disease, living in the moment is the key to absolute happiness. 

I've always believed that cancer could be shifted in a matter of hours, or even minutes, if the mindset, no, the whole environment, was right. I've sensed that I was tantalisingly close to that place, and yet I held on to cancer, enjoying the ride, loving how much I was learning from it. 

And now something beautiful is happening. After almost 6 years of living with a degree of fear and uncertainty, something is changing. I am well. I feel well. I have no symptoms of cancer, and despite my incessant detective work, peering into the microscopic realms of my body, I find that the more I know, the less I really know. I'm starting to trust in something greater. 

Faith. What a companion. It makes everything so much simpler because with faith comes a heightened sense of guidance and intuition. I feel tuned in to a bigger voice, my inner voice. Cancer has brought me here and I am grateful.

Australia

For a long time we've put off travelling. We've postponed it because we spend all of our available money on my health. On organic food, supplements, doctors appointments, scans, tests and treatments. After my last disappointing test result in February we decided to stop procrastinating and get on with living. I am, after all, alive!

And so, we've just spent the last month in Australia, catching up with family and old friends, revisiting places that I loved when I lived there in my twenties, soaking up the sun and immersing ourselves in glorious nature. 

There's been something incredibly healing about this trip. When I was first diagnosed, I spent a lot of time visualising myself on Bondi beach, arms around the shoulders of slightly-more-grown children. Do we manifest our reality because that's where we put our energy, or do we move towards a future which we are able to visualise purely because it's our destiny? Either way, I've spent the past month feeling very blessed, very present, and very healthy. 

I packed the most basic supplements: magnesium, DIM, calcium d-glucarate, iodine, colostrum, probiotics, krill, frankincense and IP6, alongside my trusty enema bag. I ate fantastically well thanks to a burgeoning health scene - chia pudding and a protein ball at the airport? No problem! Vegan? Gluten free? Easy. Every apartment we rented had a blender, and every cafe had a green juice or smoothie on the menu. 

I meditated on ocean-washed rocks and remote palm-fringed beaches, went for massages and practiced yoga under paperbark gum trees. I rode a bike, walked, ran, kayaked, swam and snorkelled. I watched the sun rise and contemplated my beautiful life.

During one particularly potent meditation came the words "cancer is fear", and I knew this to be true. I know that I carry fear like a shadow. But not on this holiday. A month away from fear must surely be the most powerful form of healing.

I felt fully guided throughout the entire trip. Everything felt easy. On our last day in Sydney I woke early to watch the sun rise. A photographer sitting behind me captured my moment and sent me the picture. It felt like the perfect confirmation of being in exactly the right place at the right time. 

The emotional body

I can't believe that I haven't written about this properly before, but such a HUGE part of returning to health relies on emotional healing. 

I've recently started the most beautiful Yoga Nidra practice. Every Wednesday night I join three or four others at the local village hall, and have my eyes and body opened by my wonderful teacher. He's fascinated by the way that we hold emotion, energy and experience in our body, and how that ultimately affects our health. He gently encourages us to explore pain as pure sensation, to breathe the body and let go. I'm becoming acutely aware of where I hold 'stuff', of how entrenched these patterns are, and of how liberating 'letting go' can become. 

Taking this one step further, I've experienced a couple of one on one co-meditation sessions with him. Wow! Some things came up of which I had no conscious memory, and the processing of those memories has positively changed certain relationships for me, relationships that I thought I had worked through many times over the past 5 years.

It's an old analogy, but returning to health is like peeling back the layers of an onion. A bloody huge onion it would seem! 

Over the past 5 years I've explored lots of different emotional, energetic and spiritual healing practices. Reiki and Acupuncture would be at the top of my list for an instant re-setting of mood and energy. I've seen spiritual healers who have helped me to tap into my higher self, and to trust in something bigger. I went on a Journey weekend with Brandon Bays, where we meditated until I could literally only sense myself in the thin film of my nostrils. We delved into our cellular memories and released! Hypnotherapists have helped me to retrain my subconscious beliefs about myself.

Meditation, visualisation and positive affirmations have become part of my daily routine. When we meditate we enter parasympathetic mode, which slows the heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure, soothing the sympathetic system (which is responsible for the adrenal fight or flight state). Emotions trigger real chemical reactions in the body, so fear activates adrenaline, and in this state vital healing functions such as digestion, circulation and the immune system are shut down and compromised. During meditation, the mind and body are relaxed and calm, allowing the body to do what it does best; repair! Visualisation is a fantastic way of 'tricking' the body into healing. Every day, organ by organ, I visualise my body as healthy, optimally functioning and cancer free. This positive belief is passed on to the body as real. 

As well as seeking out practitioners I've delved into books about spirituality and the mind-body connection. My top three would definitely be "You Are The Placebo" by Joe Dispenza, "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton, and "Journey of Souls' by Michael Newton.

Of course, there's so much more to explore. I'm really drawn to sound baths - the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency, and that being bathed in those frequencies can bring us back to a state of pure harmony. It's been a long time coming, but that's definitely next on the list!

Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign (2015) Rant

This year's breast awareness campaign asks us to post a photo of a can of coke nestling between our breasts. Apparently thought up by an adult modelling agency, we can now expect to be subjected to a barrage of pictures of perfect (fake?) boobs cradling a modern day poison. A CAN OF COKE!? There are approximately TEN teaspoons of sugar in a can of coke! I cannot even..... 

And for those of us who no longer have the full compliment? For those of us who have had lumpectomies, mastectomies, or just plain don't own the perfect set of media breasts? I've never heard of such ignorant stupidity. Objectifying breasts in the context of breast cancer - I find it totally offensive.

When will we get it right? What's needed is education about the link between poor diet and cancer, sugar and cancer, convenience food and cancer, stress and cancer. The list goes on. What is not needed is advertising off the back of cancer. Even a campaign showing us how to check our breasts is shutting the gate after the proverbial horse has bolted. We need to stop putting plasters over the issue and address the root cause. We need a whole generation of children to start taking responsibility for their health, understanding how to create wellness in themselves so that they never have to experience the joys of cancer. How wonderful would it be for the next generation of girls (and boys) to dodge this modern day bullet?

What next? A campaign to raise awareness of colorectal cancer sponsored by McDonalds? Livid!

You know what's coming next.....a selfie of my chest with a green juice :D

Acceptance

There's been a huge shift in the way I think about cancer lately.

A good friend sparked this new mindset in me. I told her that I was struggling to visualise myself cancer free when I'd just paid someone a lot of money to tell me exactly how much there is in my body! She suggested that I accept the cancer is there, and listen to it. 

I took that nugget with me on a run, and what came up was surprising. I've never 'owned' my cancer cells, but maybe it's time to. They're here to teach me something, that much is certain. They are also a part of me, a microscopic version of me. These cells want to be acknowledged, listened to and loved. Negating them, hating them, fighting them just creates more conflict. Conflict is not conducive to healing. What we resist persists. 

The message was profound, but so simple:

"I acknowledge cancer as I wish to be acknowledged.
I listen to cancer as I wish to be listened to.
I love cancer as I wish to be loved."

And so I've meditated, visualised, created new affirmations, and I've come away with Acceptance. It feels so good.

I may or may not keep cancer in check. The reality is that I am not in control. I can eat well to FEEL well. I can run and practice yoga for my health, not to fight cancer. It finally occurs to me that the Universe may have plans for me other than my own! I may desire a sunny day. I can meditate on it, wish for it and long for it, but the only truth is that if I joyfully accept the day for whatever it brings, I'll be happy in the moments. I think I may finally be learning to let go, surrender and trust. 

Hyperthermia

I've long been attracted to certain protocols, but for some reason I've never acted on that resonance - until now. This week I started hyperthermia treatment. We've been indoctrinated to subdue a fever, particularly in children, but fever is the body's most innate healing resource. Bacteria, viruses and parasites all die off at lower temperatures than healthy cells. 

There have been recorded instances of cancer patients contracting chicken pox, experiencing high fever, and going into spontaneous remission. This happens via two mechanisms. The first being that fever encourages the immune system to burst into action. The second is that cancer cells are destabilised at higher temperatures, as are the delicate blood vessels which nourish them.

My cancer cells have down-regulated heat shock proteins (meaning that they are susceptible to damage from heat). This is good news for me. It's also bad news - I can't remember the last time I created a natural fever. Through chronic ill-health, my body has simply forgotten how to do it. Hence the reason that I was attracted to whole body hyperthermia. 

There are two types of hyperthermia. Local, which can work as a non-carcinogenic alternative to radiation therapy, and whole body, designed to mimic fever. I had local hyperthermia soon after surgery. It was a strange sensation, or rather no sensation, as it focussed on the area of my chest that's numb from nerve damage. As a result there's a danger of burning. Instead my clever body created a large amount of pus, a mass of local detoxification which my alternative doctor was delighted with!

I have a FAR infrared sauna at home, but whole body hyperthermia involves hotter temperatures for longer periods, and so involves careful monitoring. As a cancer protocol, it's rarely effective as a stand-alone treatment, and so I had simultaneous IV's of vitamin C and laetrile (more on this in another post). Whole body hyperthermia has been shown to improve the efficacy of chemotherapy and radiotherapy should you be considering a more allopathic protocol.

I approached treatment day with some trepidation. The aim is to reach a fever (ideally 40 degrees, but ultimately anything over and above the body's natural temperature of 37) hold it for at least one hour, and then gently come back down to normal temperature in a controlled way. This process can take up to 6 hours. 

Here's the drill: blood pressure taken (low to normal). IV catheter in (the nurse found a vein easily, hurrah, having had so many IV's this is not normal for me). Blood taken (Dr Trefza is trying some new cancer marker tests so that we can monitor any progress). Clothes and jewellery off (mildly embarrassing). Rectal thermometer/probe in (been in training for years with daily enemas - no big deal!) Heart rate monitor clipped onto my ear.  

Donna was assigned to my care. I was relieved to hear that she would stay with me for the duration.

How did it feel? In a word, HOT. I listened to a hypnotherapy CD, and tried to meditate. I focussed on my breathing, and on encouraging my body to heat up. The hotter I got, the less I could concentrate, or find words in my brain for affirmations. Donna asked if I wanted to hear what my temperature was as it rose. I did, finding it encouraging. I started off at 37.1 degrees (which I was pleased about, as most people with cancer have a low core temperature). She was surprised at how quickly I reached fever, and told me that she would know when it was time to turn the machine off by my heart rate and mood. Some people go very quiet, some sing, some get a bit crazy. I predicted I would be in the third group. It took just over an hour to reach 39.7 degrees, by which point I'd used the bedpan, and was pretty much taking full advantage of Donna, asking her to constantly douse my head in iced water and bring me drinks. At 39.8 I'd had enough. I felt sick, and the headache from hell kicked in. She unzipped the sauna and wrapped me in towels to maintain the fever. I was surprised at how long it took to cool back down to normal temperature, but this part was fine, and I slept. I was out and dressed within 3 hours.

Back at home and the best way to describe how I felt was 'not well'. My pee was incredibly acidic, indicating that toxins were moving. Nausea persisted for about 24 hours, and the headache only abated after 2 coffee enemas. I was really tired. I slept in a castor pack that night, to support my liver and I've done extra enemas and castor packs every day since.

There are suggestions that unless you reach a fever of 42 degrees (which would be really pushing it), you won't see results from this treatment. This heat would require sedation and careful monitoring. I understand that in Europe sedation is always given, however it's much more expensive than treatment in the UK (around £2000 as opposed to £300 plus IV's and blood tests, which I paid).

My conclusion: I feel great! The next treatment is booked! Depending on what the blood tests show, I'm planning on repeating every 4 weeks for a total of 4 treatments.

Retreat

Last weekend I set off for my first ever retreat. I needed some space to process my last test result, and I felt tired. I wanted someone to nurture me in a practical way. 

I drove to Amchara in Somerset for what I thought would be some intense navel gazing. As it turned out, I slept, and gratefully received meals, which were lovingly prepared, mostly raw, and did not require any cleaning up!!! I topped up on smoothies and juices, and drank a LOT of water. 

An unexpected pro, was that there was NO caffeine to be found on the retreat, not even my trusty green tea. Of course, I'd snuck a few cheeky teabags into my suitcase at the last minute (my addicted self must have had an inkling!) but when they ran out, I went cold turkey for the first time in my life. The upshot was a drilling headache for the entirety of the retreat, but one week down the line I'm the proud owner of a caffeine free body! As an adrenal person this is an incredibly positive thing. It's something I've THOUGHT about addressing many times without having the willpower to carry through. 

During my four days away I had hypnotherapy, Swedish body massage, Indian head massage and a very powerful Reiki session. I maintained daily coffee enemas, and tried a (successful) colonic irrigation. I practiced yoga, went for a run, and attempted Qi Gong. I laid in the sun, read the papers, watched (non-health related films) and.... slept. In the words of my hypnotherapist "You are feeling very relaxed, very lazy, no-body wants anything of you, and no-body expects anything of you". I reset myself, energetically and emotionally.

What I learned from this time in solitude, was not, of course, what I expected. There were no cancer revelations, just the understanding that my home life is more stressful than I really understood. That made me a bit sad. I love my life, I've worked hard to manifest what I desire. I love home educating, living where I live, doing what I do. But caring consciously for a family is intrinsically hard work. Switching off from that role, and being cared FOR, meant that I slipped easily into parasympathetic mode, where I was relaxed, and therefore able to heal. I didn't push myself, or punish myself, by attempting every class or activity, and I wasn't interested in juice fasting (although I absolutely believe there's a place for it). No, I wanted to be NOURISHED in every way. I asked for huge portions, savouring the salads, raw soups, kale chips and avocado cacao puddings.

I came away feeling that it's entirely possible to heal in a way that I had previously misunderstood, and I've managed to hold onto a new, more positive mindset. I realise that I'd been living with a lot of fear, and I'm now practicing my daily positive affirmations and visualisations with more clarity. I am in remission, I am well, and I am looking forward to my next retreat ;)