Dear Cancer,
Thank you for teaching me that I don't need to be CURED to be healed, that I don't need to prove that the path I chose was the 'right' one. Now I understand that cured or not, it was always the right choice for me. You've taught me not to judge the individual ways that people approach life changes - there is no right or wrong way. I've learned that there is simply an ebb and flow to health and disease. Nothing is permanent.
Thank you for being my biggest catalyst for change. You forced me to create the life I always hankered for. I now have more freedom, more space and less conformity. You have given me permission to be myself.
I'm grateful that you taught me to be kinder to myself. To let go of the feeling that I was not 'good enough'. Thank you for allowing me to see my full potential, to understand that this life is a good one, and I can live it wholly. Thank you for showing me that there are no guarantees for tomorrow. I've stopped putting things off, and living in the present is proving exhilarating.
Thank you for teaching me that I have a choice in the way I react. Understanding that even the most challenging situation is a potential for growth is very empowering.
Without you I would not have tuned into my body's innate wisdom. It's a gift to feel the ways in which it guides me. I feel better when I eat well, sleep well, exercise and live consciously. It's good to be awake.
Thank you for showing me that acceptance is a comfort.
Thank you for teaching me about life....and death. I found faith in you. It holds me and teaches me to trust. For me, this has been a game changer.
With sincerest gratitude,
Nicola.
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
Saturday, 21 November 2015
Hormones
As incredible as it may seem, only now, six years on, am I addressing the intricate state of my hormones. My body is pretty frustrated with me about this tardiness, and has been screaming at me with some rather obvious signs to SORT IT OUT!
Where shall I start? A recent ultrasound showed numerous tiny cysts in my remaining breast. That, coupled with heavy, painful periods and pre-menstrual migraines is a clear indication of oestrogen dominance. Hmmmmmmm, oestrogen dominance eh? No big surprise there. If you go on the contraceptive pill at 15 tender years old (for painful periods, which could have been quite beautifully managed instead with magnesium!) you can bet your arse you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hormone imbalance. Now, listen to this for a catastrophic cycle. Excess oestrogen (as found in the contraceptive pill) supports the growth of candida. Systemic candida causes leaky gut and malabsorption, which inhibits the excretion of unwanted oestrogen from the body, promoting it's reabsorption and contributing further to oestrogen dominance. Candida depletes gut production of B vitamins, which have a role in metabolising oestrogen to it's safer, weaker sister. To compound these issues, a recent 23andme test shows that I have skewed genetic pathways in both oestrogen and B vitamin metabolism!
As with all hormones, oestrogen and progesterone are synergistic. As we head begrudgingly towards menopause, progesterone levels decline, and the delicate balance between oestrogen and progesterone becomes skewed, leading to hot flushes, etc. Enter Serenity Bio-identical Progesterone cream which naturally rebalances oestrogen levels. I've been using this for about 4 months with quite amazing results. No more pre-menstrual migraines. No more flooding or blood clots. Good.
Back to my body, which has been yelling at me with textbook signs of hypothyroidism: cold hands and feet, dry skin, weight gain, low libido, tiredness. Tick, tick, tick....you get the picture! Recent blood tests backed this up, highlighting a low white blood count, low ferritin, low platelets, low T3, high cholesterol, all of which points to a deficient thyroid. And guess what? Thyroid deficiency also has a role in oestrogen dominance. Or oestrogen dominance has a role in thyroid deficiency. You see how easily this delicate hormone dance can become imbalanced? To complicate issues, adrenal insufficiency is fairly common due to to constant low level stress, and we need fully operating adrenal glands if the thyroid is to respond to any medication! Let's come back to candida, again. Leaky gut causes autoimmune disease, the thyroid gland being a common target of the misdirected immune system. Convoluted but all beautifully tied in. Of course it is, every cell in our body is connected through a system we can only hope to try to understand!
So now we come to the fun part. Yesterday I met my newest doctor. I always fall in love with the best ones, and I am pleased to say that I have a new crush! Dr Barry Durant-Peatfield is a retired NHS doctor. He resigned after a forced suspension, having upset the British Medical Council because he refused to prescribe the synthetic drug Thyroxine, over the natural version (which is dessicated bovine or porcine thyroid gland.) He's an old-school doctor in the best sense. He relies on old fashioned testing: pulse, reflexes, and basal temperature (this is your temperature on waking, before rising. The ideal body temperature is 36.5 degrees. Those with hypothyroidism often measure around one degree lower. Women who are still menstruating should take their temperature on days 1 - 4 of their period). His clinical diagnosis suggests that I have thyroid and adrenal insufficiency. His common sense (and that fact that Serenity has worked so well for me) suggests oestrogen dominance. My coated tongue tells him that I still have some work to do on overcoming candida.
My new protocol involves taking Adrenal Support, Thyroid support, Serenity cream and continuing to work on candida (I'm using caprylic acid, Pau Darco, oregano oil and cinammon). He anticipates that within a few weeks I'll be feeling great. His parting words? "You all get better" I can't wait!
Where shall I start? A recent ultrasound showed numerous tiny cysts in my remaining breast. That, coupled with heavy, painful periods and pre-menstrual migraines is a clear indication of oestrogen dominance. Hmmmmmmm, oestrogen dominance eh? No big surprise there. If you go on the contraceptive pill at 15 tender years old (for painful periods, which could have been quite beautifully managed instead with magnesium!) you can bet your arse you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of hormone imbalance. Now, listen to this for a catastrophic cycle. Excess oestrogen (as found in the contraceptive pill) supports the growth of candida. Systemic candida causes leaky gut and malabsorption, which inhibits the excretion of unwanted oestrogen from the body, promoting it's reabsorption and contributing further to oestrogen dominance. Candida depletes gut production of B vitamins, which have a role in metabolising oestrogen to it's safer, weaker sister. To compound these issues, a recent 23andme test shows that I have skewed genetic pathways in both oestrogen and B vitamin metabolism!
As with all hormones, oestrogen and progesterone are synergistic. As we head begrudgingly towards menopause, progesterone levels decline, and the delicate balance between oestrogen and progesterone becomes skewed, leading to hot flushes, etc. Enter Serenity Bio-identical Progesterone cream which naturally rebalances oestrogen levels. I've been using this for about 4 months with quite amazing results. No more pre-menstrual migraines. No more flooding or blood clots. Good.
Back to my body, which has been yelling at me with textbook signs of hypothyroidism: cold hands and feet, dry skin, weight gain, low libido, tiredness. Tick, tick, tick....you get the picture! Recent blood tests backed this up, highlighting a low white blood count, low ferritin, low platelets, low T3, high cholesterol, all of which points to a deficient thyroid. And guess what? Thyroid deficiency also has a role in oestrogen dominance. Or oestrogen dominance has a role in thyroid deficiency. You see how easily this delicate hormone dance can become imbalanced? To complicate issues, adrenal insufficiency is fairly common due to to constant low level stress, and we need fully operating adrenal glands if the thyroid is to respond to any medication! Let's come back to candida, again. Leaky gut causes autoimmune disease, the thyroid gland being a common target of the misdirected immune system. Convoluted but all beautifully tied in. Of course it is, every cell in our body is connected through a system we can only hope to try to understand!
So now we come to the fun part. Yesterday I met my newest doctor. I always fall in love with the best ones, and I am pleased to say that I have a new crush! Dr Barry Durant-Peatfield is a retired NHS doctor. He resigned after a forced suspension, having upset the British Medical Council because he refused to prescribe the synthetic drug Thyroxine, over the natural version (which is dessicated bovine or porcine thyroid gland.) He's an old-school doctor in the best sense. He relies on old fashioned testing: pulse, reflexes, and basal temperature (this is your temperature on waking, before rising. The ideal body temperature is 36.5 degrees. Those with hypothyroidism often measure around one degree lower. Women who are still menstruating should take their temperature on days 1 - 4 of their period). His clinical diagnosis suggests that I have thyroid and adrenal insufficiency. His common sense (and that fact that Serenity has worked so well for me) suggests oestrogen dominance. My coated tongue tells him that I still have some work to do on overcoming candida.
My new protocol involves taking Adrenal Support, Thyroid support, Serenity cream and continuing to work on candida (I'm using caprylic acid, Pau Darco, oregano oil and cinammon). He anticipates that within a few weeks I'll be feeling great. His parting words? "You all get better" I can't wait!
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
The Shift
The reality of living with cancer, is that my feelings toward it are different from one day to the next. While it's true that I wouldn't change my life-giving diagnosis, it's also the case that some days are tough. In these moments there's a gnawing fear that something is growing, insidious and unseen, beyond my control but within my body. It manifests as a darkness and is overwhelming. This is when meditation comes into its own. Breathing brings me back to peace. There's a deep reassurance in reclaiming just an element of control whilst releasing all control! Of knowing that I'm doing my best, and that my best is good enough. Meditation has brought me an understanding that I'm here purely to experience, to play. We humans are powerful beings and whatever the outcome of disease, living in the moment is the key to absolute happiness.
I've always believed that cancer could be shifted in a matter of hours, or even minutes, if the mindset, no, the whole environment, was right. I've sensed that I was tantalisingly close to that place, and yet I held on to cancer, enjoying the ride, loving how much I was learning from it.
And now something beautiful is happening. After almost 6 years of living with a degree of fear and uncertainty, something is changing. I am well. I feel well. I have no symptoms of cancer, and despite my incessant detective work, peering into the microscopic realms of my body, I find that the more I know, the less I really know. I'm starting to trust in something greater.
Faith. What a companion. It makes everything so much simpler because with faith comes a heightened sense of guidance and intuition. I feel tuned in to a bigger voice, my inner voice. Cancer has brought me here and I am grateful.
I've always believed that cancer could be shifted in a matter of hours, or even minutes, if the mindset, no, the whole environment, was right. I've sensed that I was tantalisingly close to that place, and yet I held on to cancer, enjoying the ride, loving how much I was learning from it.
And now something beautiful is happening. After almost 6 years of living with a degree of fear and uncertainty, something is changing. I am well. I feel well. I have no symptoms of cancer, and despite my incessant detective work, peering into the microscopic realms of my body, I find that the more I know, the less I really know. I'm starting to trust in something greater.
Faith. What a companion. It makes everything so much simpler because with faith comes a heightened sense of guidance and intuition. I feel tuned in to a bigger voice, my inner voice. Cancer has brought me here and I am grateful.
Wednesday, 7 October 2015
Australia
For a long time we've put off travelling. We've postponed it because we spend all of our available money on my health. On organic food, supplements, doctors appointments, scans, tests and treatments. After my last disappointing test result in February we decided to stop procrastinating and get on with living. I am, after all, alive!
And so, we've just spent the last month in Australia, catching up with family and old friends, revisiting places that I loved when I lived there in my twenties, soaking up the sun and immersing ourselves in glorious nature.
There's been something incredibly healing about this trip. When I was first diagnosed, I spent a lot of time visualising myself on Bondi beach, arms around the shoulders of slightly-more-grown children. Do we manifest our reality because that's where we put our energy, or do we move towards a future which we are able to visualise purely because it's our destiny? Either way, I've spent the past month feeling very blessed, very present, and very healthy.
I packed the most basic supplements: magnesium, DIM, calcium d-glucarate, iodine, colostrum, probiotics, krill, frankincense and IP6, alongside my trusty enema bag. I ate fantastically well thanks to a burgeoning health scene - chia pudding and a protein ball at the airport? No problem! Vegan? Gluten free? Easy. Every apartment we rented had a blender, and every cafe had a green juice or smoothie on the menu.
I meditated on ocean-washed rocks and remote palm-fringed beaches, went for massages and practiced yoga under paperbark gum trees. I rode a bike, walked, ran, kayaked, swam and snorkelled. I watched the sun rise and contemplated my beautiful life.
During one particularly potent meditation came the words "cancer is fear", and I knew this to be true. I know that I carry fear like a shadow. But not on this holiday. A month away from fear must surely be the most powerful form of healing.
I felt fully guided throughout the entire trip. Everything felt easy. On our last day in Sydney I woke early to watch the sun rise. A photographer sitting behind me captured my moment and sent me the picture. It felt like the perfect confirmation of being in exactly the right place at the right time.
And so, we've just spent the last month in Australia, catching up with family and old friends, revisiting places that I loved when I lived there in my twenties, soaking up the sun and immersing ourselves in glorious nature.
There's been something incredibly healing about this trip. When I was first diagnosed, I spent a lot of time visualising myself on Bondi beach, arms around the shoulders of slightly-more-grown children. Do we manifest our reality because that's where we put our energy, or do we move towards a future which we are able to visualise purely because it's our destiny? Either way, I've spent the past month feeling very blessed, very present, and very healthy.
I packed the most basic supplements: magnesium, DIM, calcium d-glucarate, iodine, colostrum, probiotics, krill, frankincense and IP6, alongside my trusty enema bag. I ate fantastically well thanks to a burgeoning health scene - chia pudding and a protein ball at the airport? No problem! Vegan? Gluten free? Easy. Every apartment we rented had a blender, and every cafe had a green juice or smoothie on the menu.
I meditated on ocean-washed rocks and remote palm-fringed beaches, went for massages and practiced yoga under paperbark gum trees. I rode a bike, walked, ran, kayaked, swam and snorkelled. I watched the sun rise and contemplated my beautiful life.
During one particularly potent meditation came the words "cancer is fear", and I knew this to be true. I know that I carry fear like a shadow. But not on this holiday. A month away from fear must surely be the most powerful form of healing.
I felt fully guided throughout the entire trip. Everything felt easy. On our last day in Sydney I woke early to watch the sun rise. A photographer sitting behind me captured my moment and sent me the picture. It felt like the perfect confirmation of being in exactly the right place at the right time.
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
The emotional body
I can't believe that I haven't written about this properly before, but such a HUGE part of returning to health relies on emotional healing.
I've recently started the most beautiful Yoga Nidra practice. Every Wednesday night I join three or four others at the local village hall, and have my eyes and body opened by my wonderful teacher. He's fascinated by the way that we hold emotion, energy and experience in our body, and how that ultimately affects our health. He gently encourages us to explore pain as pure sensation, to breathe the body and let go. I'm becoming acutely aware of where I hold 'stuff', of how entrenched these patterns are, and of how liberating 'letting go' can become.
Taking this one step further, I've experienced a couple of one on one co-meditation sessions with him. Wow! Some things came up of which I had no conscious memory, and the processing of those memories has positively changed certain relationships for me, relationships that I thought I had worked through many times over the past 5 years.
It's an old analogy, but returning to health is like peeling back the layers of an onion. A bloody huge onion it would seem!
Over the past 5 years I've explored lots of different emotional, energetic and spiritual healing practices. Reiki and Acupuncture would be at the top of my list for an instant re-setting of mood and energy. I've seen spiritual healers who have helped me to tap into my higher self, and to trust in something bigger. I went on a Journey weekend with Brandon Bays, where we meditated until I could literally only sense myself in the thin film of my nostrils. We delved into our cellular memories and released! Hypnotherapists have helped me to retrain my subconscious beliefs about myself.
Meditation, visualisation and positive affirmations have become part of my daily routine. When we meditate we enter parasympathetic mode, which slows the heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure, soothing the sympathetic system (which is responsible for the adrenal fight or flight state). Emotions trigger real chemical reactions in the body, so fear activates adrenaline, and in this state vital healing functions such as digestion, circulation and the immune system are shut down and compromised. During meditation, the mind and body are relaxed and calm, allowing the body to do what it does best; repair! Visualisation is a fantastic way of 'tricking' the body into healing. Every day, organ by organ, I visualise my body as healthy, optimally functioning and cancer free. This positive belief is passed on to the body as real.
As well as seeking out practitioners I've delved into books about spirituality and the mind-body connection. My top three would definitely be "You Are The Placebo" by Joe Dispenza, "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton, and "Journey of Souls' by Michael Newton.
Of course, there's so much more to explore. I'm really drawn to sound baths - the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency, and that being bathed in those frequencies can bring us back to a state of pure harmony. It's been a long time coming, but that's definitely next on the list!
I've recently started the most beautiful Yoga Nidra practice. Every Wednesday night I join three or four others at the local village hall, and have my eyes and body opened by my wonderful teacher. He's fascinated by the way that we hold emotion, energy and experience in our body, and how that ultimately affects our health. He gently encourages us to explore pain as pure sensation, to breathe the body and let go. I'm becoming acutely aware of where I hold 'stuff', of how entrenched these patterns are, and of how liberating 'letting go' can become.
Taking this one step further, I've experienced a couple of one on one co-meditation sessions with him. Wow! Some things came up of which I had no conscious memory, and the processing of those memories has positively changed certain relationships for me, relationships that I thought I had worked through many times over the past 5 years.
It's an old analogy, but returning to health is like peeling back the layers of an onion. A bloody huge onion it would seem!
Over the past 5 years I've explored lots of different emotional, energetic and spiritual healing practices. Reiki and Acupuncture would be at the top of my list for an instant re-setting of mood and energy. I've seen spiritual healers who have helped me to tap into my higher self, and to trust in something bigger. I went on a Journey weekend with Brandon Bays, where we meditated until I could literally only sense myself in the thin film of my nostrils. We delved into our cellular memories and released! Hypnotherapists have helped me to retrain my subconscious beliefs about myself.
Meditation, visualisation and positive affirmations have become part of my daily routine. When we meditate we enter parasympathetic mode, which slows the heart rate, breathing rate and blood pressure, soothing the sympathetic system (which is responsible for the adrenal fight or flight state). Emotions trigger real chemical reactions in the body, so fear activates adrenaline, and in this state vital healing functions such as digestion, circulation and the immune system are shut down and compromised. During meditation, the mind and body are relaxed and calm, allowing the body to do what it does best; repair! Visualisation is a fantastic way of 'tricking' the body into healing. Every day, organ by organ, I visualise my body as healthy, optimally functioning and cancer free. This positive belief is passed on to the body as real.
As well as seeking out practitioners I've delved into books about spirituality and the mind-body connection. My top three would definitely be "You Are The Placebo" by Joe Dispenza, "The Biology of Belief" by Bruce Lipton, and "Journey of Souls' by Michael Newton.
Of course, there's so much more to explore. I'm really drawn to sound baths - the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency, and that being bathed in those frequencies can bring us back to a state of pure harmony. It's been a long time coming, but that's definitely next on the list!
Friday, 5 June 2015
Breast Cancer Awareness Campaign (2015) Rant
This year's breast awareness campaign asks us to post a photo of a can of coke nestling between our breasts. Apparently thought up by an adult modelling agency, we can now expect to be subjected to a barrage of pictures of perfect (fake?) boobs cradling a modern day poison. A CAN OF COKE!? There are approximately TEN teaspoons of sugar in a can of coke! I cannot even.....
And for those of us who no longer have the full compliment? For those of us who have had lumpectomies, mastectomies, or just plain don't own the perfect set of media breasts? I've never heard of such ignorant stupidity. Objectifying breasts in the context of breast cancer - I find it totally offensive.
When will we get it right? What's needed is education about the link between poor diet and cancer, sugar and cancer, convenience food and cancer, stress and cancer. The list goes on. What is not needed is advertising off the back of cancer. Even a campaign showing us how to check our breasts is shutting the gate after the proverbial horse has bolted. We need to stop putting plasters over the issue and address the root cause. We need a whole generation of children to start taking responsibility for their health, understanding how to create wellness in themselves so that they never have to experience the joys of cancer. How wonderful would it be for the next generation of girls (and boys) to dodge this modern day bullet?
What next? A campaign to raise awareness of colorectal cancer sponsored by McDonalds? Livid!
You know what's coming next.....a selfie of my chest with a green juice :D
And for those of us who no longer have the full compliment? For those of us who have had lumpectomies, mastectomies, or just plain don't own the perfect set of media breasts? I've never heard of such ignorant stupidity. Objectifying breasts in the context of breast cancer - I find it totally offensive.
When will we get it right? What's needed is education about the link between poor diet and cancer, sugar and cancer, convenience food and cancer, stress and cancer. The list goes on. What is not needed is advertising off the back of cancer. Even a campaign showing us how to check our breasts is shutting the gate after the proverbial horse has bolted. We need to stop putting plasters over the issue and address the root cause. We need a whole generation of children to start taking responsibility for their health, understanding how to create wellness in themselves so that they never have to experience the joys of cancer. How wonderful would it be for the next generation of girls (and boys) to dodge this modern day bullet?
What next? A campaign to raise awareness of colorectal cancer sponsored by McDonalds? Livid!
You know what's coming next.....a selfie of my chest with a green juice :D
Monday, 1 June 2015
Acceptance
There's been a huge shift in the way I think about cancer lately.
A good friend sparked this new mindset in me. I told her that I was struggling to visualise myself cancer free when I'd just paid someone a lot of money to tell me exactly how much there is in my body! She suggested that I accept the cancer is there, and listen to it.
I took that nugget with me on a run, and what came up was surprising. I've never 'owned' my cancer cells, but maybe it's time to. They're here to teach me something, that much is certain. They are also a part of me, a microscopic version of me. These cells want to be acknowledged, listened to and loved. Negating them, hating them, fighting them just creates more conflict. Conflict is not conducive to healing. What we resist persists.
The message was profound, but so simple:
"I acknowledge cancer as I wish to be acknowledged.
I listen to cancer as I wish to be listened to.
I love cancer as I wish to be loved."
And so I've meditated, visualised, created new affirmations, and I've come away with Acceptance. It feels so good.
I may or may not keep cancer in check. The reality is that I am not in control. I can eat well to FEEL well. I can run and practice yoga for my health, not to fight cancer. It finally occurs to me that the Universe may have plans for me other than my own! I may desire a sunny day. I can meditate on it, wish for it and long for it, but the only truth is that if I joyfully accept the day for whatever it brings, I'll be happy in the moments. I think I may finally be learning to let go, surrender and trust.
A good friend sparked this new mindset in me. I told her that I was struggling to visualise myself cancer free when I'd just paid someone a lot of money to tell me exactly how much there is in my body! She suggested that I accept the cancer is there, and listen to it.
I took that nugget with me on a run, and what came up was surprising. I've never 'owned' my cancer cells, but maybe it's time to. They're here to teach me something, that much is certain. They are also a part of me, a microscopic version of me. These cells want to be acknowledged, listened to and loved. Negating them, hating them, fighting them just creates more conflict. Conflict is not conducive to healing. What we resist persists.
The message was profound, but so simple:
"I acknowledge cancer as I wish to be acknowledged.
I listen to cancer as I wish to be listened to.
I love cancer as I wish to be loved."
And so I've meditated, visualised, created new affirmations, and I've come away with Acceptance. It feels so good.
I may or may not keep cancer in check. The reality is that I am not in control. I can eat well to FEEL well. I can run and practice yoga for my health, not to fight cancer. It finally occurs to me that the Universe may have plans for me other than my own! I may desire a sunny day. I can meditate on it, wish for it and long for it, but the only truth is that if I joyfully accept the day for whatever it brings, I'll be happy in the moments. I think I may finally be learning to let go, surrender and trust.
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