Exercise. It's a bit of a dirty word to me. I was a lanky, late-developer; rubbish at sports and always the last to be picked for the team. I have zero muscle memory, and nowhere does exercise represent a happy place for me. Throughout my life I've been tall and slim, despite my sugar addiction. Please don't misread this as fit. I've never been fit, and this was part of my pre-diagnosis problem. I ate what I wanted without putting on weight. I never had to 'control' my diet, nor cut down on processed, sugary foods for vanity's sake. This in part lead to my holistic unwell state.
Many studies have shown that regular, moderate exercise (equating to about half an hour a day) can reduce the risk of cancer returning by up to 40%. To put that figure in context, it's almost three times more effective than the combined success rate I was given of chemotherapy and radiotherapy working for me. However, purely improving diet, or solely focusing on exercise, has a much lower effect on survival rates.
Breast cancer patients in particular seem to benefit from physical activity, possibly because it has a balancing effect on oestrogen and insulin levels. Insulin has a mitogenic effect (ie it encourages cell division) on breast cancer cells. Oestrogen can inhibit apoptosis (ie stop programmed cell death) and is also mitogenic. Exercise also diminishes fat deposits, which is often where excess oestrogen and toxins are stored. And let's not forget that the lymph system, responsible for cleansing our cells, relies on our circulating blood system to move. Exercise gets the heart pumping, and improves blood (and so lymph) flow.
I've dabbled in exercise since diagnosis. I try to walk whenever possible, I do the mildest form of yoga (gentle stretching at best, definitely not gymnastic inversions) and I chase my children around the playground, but I have yet to commit to a regular, invigorating practice that would increase my heart rate enough to improve my circulation.
As I've said many times, I'm a work in progress. There's always room for improvement, and for me exercise is the glaring omission in my healing protocol. However, I refuse to berate myself that this is Not Good Enough, and instead am making a concerted effort to Try Harder.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Sunday, 3 November 2013
Observing
A significant part of my healing has been learning to observe my body, and listen to what it's trying to tell me.
Before I was diagnosed, I totally subscribed to the idea that I could motor on through illness, regardless of how bad I felt. There were pills for every ill. At the first whiff of a headache I would take codeine. I took anti-cramping pills for bad periods, and regular spoonfuls of Kaolin and Morphine for tummy ache. As a mum of 2 young children, I believed I was irreplaceable, that I had to drag myself out of bed and get on with my busy day no matter what. This carried on for about 6 years, until (a month before I found the lump in my breast) I got so ill that I was bed-ridden with swine flu. I ended up losing my hearing in my left ear, and now have relentless tinnitus. The irony that I didn't listen and that I ended up deaf is not lost on me.
For a long time I had felt that something was wrong, but I didn't have the tools to read my body, or know how to heal myself. Instead I relied on doctors and medication. I never looked at the underlying message, and I never took responsibility for my health. We're born with a natural wisdom to understand our physiology, but it's been silenced by a constant bombardment of 'wrong' messages from adverts, doctors, vaccinations and fast food. As a result we've become largely disconnected.
Early on in my healing, my nutritional therapist relayed to me the importance of only doing what is Right and what is Needed. She taught me that we must find the delicate balance of cleansing at the correct pace for our bodies. So for example, if I'm having a hectic day, and my kidneys and adrenals are feeling fatigued, a coffee enema and endless cups of green tea are not the best remedy (despite their health-giving properties) because they will put further pressure on those organs. On a day like that, a chamomile enema, and increased water intake would be more sensible. When I first bought my juicer, I started off with carrot and apple juice. Super cleansing green juice came later, when my body was becoming better at using it's rusty elimination routes (ie when my cells were less clogged with bad cholesterol, when they were more able to unload their toxicity into my lymph, and when that in turn could filter out through my liver, and finally my colon). If any one of these elimination routes is blocked, the body will attempt to cleanse through a less efficient organ - usually the lungs or the skin. For me, skin complaints are often a good sign that I have the pace of cleansing wrong.
It's also important to observe how the body reacts to food, to see if what we're putting IN is causing stress. Quinoa is a super food, no doubt, but it doesn't agree with me. We're individuals. Some things suit our biology, and some don't. Don't plug away at a 'diet' which is not working for you. Bashing on regardless can actually do more harm than good. Telltale signs are dark shadows under the eyes, lethargy and cravings caused by blood-sugar spikes.
Watching thought patterns is equally important. For me, going back to a place of 'not good enough' makes me repeat age-old habits, like scratching non-existent itches (literally 'tearing myself apart').
These days I don't get period pains. I supplement daily with magnesium, and that was the deficiency which those cramps were trying to alert me to. Headaches are now thankfully a rare occurrence. If I do get one it's almost always down to stress, and a coffee enema tends to relieve the pain, whilst meditation calms the stress. And tummy aches are a thing of the past since my diet no longer contains processed food, gluten, sugar, caffeine or MSG. These were the substances which were irritating my gut lining and creating an imbalance in my gut flora, leaving me susceptible to infections.
In my experience, observing, becoming aware, and making changes is an imperative part of healing. Listening to the body is a skill which may have been lost, but is easy to re-learn.
Before I was diagnosed, I totally subscribed to the idea that I could motor on through illness, regardless of how bad I felt. There were pills for every ill. At the first whiff of a headache I would take codeine. I took anti-cramping pills for bad periods, and regular spoonfuls of Kaolin and Morphine for tummy ache. As a mum of 2 young children, I believed I was irreplaceable, that I had to drag myself out of bed and get on with my busy day no matter what. This carried on for about 6 years, until (a month before I found the lump in my breast) I got so ill that I was bed-ridden with swine flu. I ended up losing my hearing in my left ear, and now have relentless tinnitus. The irony that I didn't listen and that I ended up deaf is not lost on me.
For a long time I had felt that something was wrong, but I didn't have the tools to read my body, or know how to heal myself. Instead I relied on doctors and medication. I never looked at the underlying message, and I never took responsibility for my health. We're born with a natural wisdom to understand our physiology, but it's been silenced by a constant bombardment of 'wrong' messages from adverts, doctors, vaccinations and fast food. As a result we've become largely disconnected.
Early on in my healing, my nutritional therapist relayed to me the importance of only doing what is Right and what is Needed. She taught me that we must find the delicate balance of cleansing at the correct pace for our bodies. So for example, if I'm having a hectic day, and my kidneys and adrenals are feeling fatigued, a coffee enema and endless cups of green tea are not the best remedy (despite their health-giving properties) because they will put further pressure on those organs. On a day like that, a chamomile enema, and increased water intake would be more sensible. When I first bought my juicer, I started off with carrot and apple juice. Super cleansing green juice came later, when my body was becoming better at using it's rusty elimination routes (ie when my cells were less clogged with bad cholesterol, when they were more able to unload their toxicity into my lymph, and when that in turn could filter out through my liver, and finally my colon). If any one of these elimination routes is blocked, the body will attempt to cleanse through a less efficient organ - usually the lungs or the skin. For me, skin complaints are often a good sign that I have the pace of cleansing wrong.
It's also important to observe how the body reacts to food, to see if what we're putting IN is causing stress. Quinoa is a super food, no doubt, but it doesn't agree with me. We're individuals. Some things suit our biology, and some don't. Don't plug away at a 'diet' which is not working for you. Bashing on regardless can actually do more harm than good. Telltale signs are dark shadows under the eyes, lethargy and cravings caused by blood-sugar spikes.
Watching thought patterns is equally important. For me, going back to a place of 'not good enough' makes me repeat age-old habits, like scratching non-existent itches (literally 'tearing myself apart').
These days I don't get period pains. I supplement daily with magnesium, and that was the deficiency which those cramps were trying to alert me to. Headaches are now thankfully a rare occurrence. If I do get one it's almost always down to stress, and a coffee enema tends to relieve the pain, whilst meditation calms the stress. And tummy aches are a thing of the past since my diet no longer contains processed food, gluten, sugar, caffeine or MSG. These were the substances which were irritating my gut lining and creating an imbalance in my gut flora, leaving me susceptible to infections.
In my experience, observing, becoming aware, and making changes is an imperative part of healing. Listening to the body is a skill which may have been lost, but is easy to re-learn.
Monday, 28 October 2013
The Dairy Connection
Dairy is a no-no for those of us with cancer, particularly hormone driven cancers like ovarian and breast. Why? All milk contains the hormone IGF-1, an insulin-like growth factor needed to promote the rapid growth of infants (be they human or animal). Guess what? This hormone also promotes the growth of tumours. Non-organic dairy is also laden with toxins; pesticides, hormones and antibiotics fed to cows as damage limitation for poor farming methods. All of these chemicals are passed on to the consumer.
Dairy is mucous forming; it slows the lymph, the very system which needs to be free and fast flowing in order to efficiently remove toxins from our cells. It also creates inflammation and acidity, the pre-cursers of disease. To balance this, our bones will leach calcium to alkalinise the blood. Yep, dairy can contribute to osteoporosis! And after the age of 7, most of us can no longer digest lactose, the sugar present in dairy, because we have evolved to be weaned by then. Persistent dairy ingestion therefore puts enormous pressure on the digestive system.
'The China Study' by Colin Campbell is a fantastic book, which talks in detail about the link between animal derived protein, particularly dairy, and cancer growth. Jane Plant also talks about this in her book 'Your Life in Your Hands'. She made the connection between the low incidence of breast cancer in China (1 in 10,000) and low dairy consumption. Scientific research showed that when Chinese or Japanese women move to the West, within one or two generations their rates of breast cancer approach those of their host community (closer to 1 in 10).
The idea of giving up dairy can seem challenging, particularly as we have been programmed to believe that it's our ideal source of calcium. The truth is that there are other, great sources. Kale, broccoli, almonds and black strap molasses all contain high levels of absorbable calcium.
There are delicious, health-GIVING dairy alternatives out there. At the moment I'm making fresh coconut yoghurt and kefir, which are a great way to repopulate gut flora. Coconut oil tastes great as a butter replacement when cooking and baking (although after a year of being a vegan, I now eat a little unsalted, organic butter). Nut and coconut milk is full of protein and calcium and is so easy to make. Simply soak nuts (almonds are great) overnight (coconut flakes can be soaked in warm water for just 20 minutes), whizz in a high speed blender with fresh water and strain through a nut milk bag or muslin. Cheeses are harder to replace, but cashew cheese is delicious. To make, soak cashews overnight, empty a probiotic capsule and whizz up in a blender. Leave in a warm, dark place for 12 or so hours. You can flavour with herbs, or pepper.
Dairy is mucous forming; it slows the lymph, the very system which needs to be free and fast flowing in order to efficiently remove toxins from our cells. It also creates inflammation and acidity, the pre-cursers of disease. To balance this, our bones will leach calcium to alkalinise the blood. Yep, dairy can contribute to osteoporosis! And after the age of 7, most of us can no longer digest lactose, the sugar present in dairy, because we have evolved to be weaned by then. Persistent dairy ingestion therefore puts enormous pressure on the digestive system.
'The China Study' by Colin Campbell is a fantastic book, which talks in detail about the link between animal derived protein, particularly dairy, and cancer growth. Jane Plant also talks about this in her book 'Your Life in Your Hands'. She made the connection between the low incidence of breast cancer in China (1 in 10,000) and low dairy consumption. Scientific research showed that when Chinese or Japanese women move to the West, within one or two generations their rates of breast cancer approach those of their host community (closer to 1 in 10).
The idea of giving up dairy can seem challenging, particularly as we have been programmed to believe that it's our ideal source of calcium. The truth is that there are other, great sources. Kale, broccoli, almonds and black strap molasses all contain high levels of absorbable calcium.
There are delicious, health-GIVING dairy alternatives out there. At the moment I'm making fresh coconut yoghurt and kefir, which are a great way to repopulate gut flora. Coconut oil tastes great as a butter replacement when cooking and baking (although after a year of being a vegan, I now eat a little unsalted, organic butter). Nut and coconut milk is full of protein and calcium and is so easy to make. Simply soak nuts (almonds are great) overnight (coconut flakes can be soaked in warm water for just 20 minutes), whizz in a high speed blender with fresh water and strain through a nut milk bag or muslin. Cheeses are harder to replace, but cashew cheese is delicious. To make, soak cashews overnight, empty a probiotic capsule and whizz up in a blender. Leave in a warm, dark place for 12 or so hours. You can flavour with herbs, or pepper.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Stress
Stress is a killer. These are not empty words. Chronic stress, over time is catastrophic for the body.
I'm in the process of buying a house. It's been one of the most stressful things I've ever done, and I'm feeling it. Stress is incredibly acidifying. It doesn't matter how many green juices I drink, or how well I eat, when I'm stressed I can't get alkaline. Stress has a physical effect on the body, causing the adrenal glands to pump out adrenaline and corticosteroids. The knock-on effect of these powerful hormones is an increased heart rate, a less effective immune system and dehydration at a cellular level.
Whereas in nature the stress response is a powerful life saver, for most of us it's become a fabricated reaction to a too-fast pace of life. When our bodies perceive danger, we're flooded with adrenalin, the Fight-or-Flight hormone, which gives us superhuman (yes, really) power, to flee the scene, or fight our attacker (historically this was presumably a wolf, not an estate agent!) Corticosteroids are also produced, and work FOR us by temporarily increasing energy production. However, they suppress the body's immune and inflammatory (short term healing) response. They also work in opposition to DHEA, an androgen produced by the adrenals which protects bone density, regulates sleep patterns, and maintains cardiovascular health by controlling bad cholesterol levels. In this modern world, many of us are in a permanent state of stress: when we're late, when we have an altercation with our boss, or when we miss a deadline. None of these situations is life threatening, but the resulting stress certainly is.
Of course this constant, excessive hormone production is harsh on the adrenal glands. Over time they become depleted and the body becomes unable to produce enough DHEA (the very hormone which balances the effects of steroids and adrenalin in the body). The result is lowered immune function, fatigue, sweet cravings, reliance on caffeine, low libido and disrupted sleep.
Although stress is real to our cells and organs, the truth is that most of it is created in our heads. And so we have power OVER it. These are my top stress busting tips. I'm writing them down in the hope that I will remember to use them more often!!!
BREATHE. Deeply and from the stomach. Ten deep, committed breaths will slow your heart rate, sending the signal to your body that you are safe.
Find a time and a place to meditate. This doesn't have to be a daily, dedicated, hour long practice. Even five minutes of mind-silence will take you to a place of calm. Longer periods spent in contemplation can give you precious insights into the world. What often comes up for me is that 'it doesn't matter' or 'it's OK'. I see my problems in a better perspective. I become aware of my organs, my heartbeat, my breath, and I see how hard my brain is making my body work.
Get out and MOVE. Exercise, in whatever form, releases happy hormones, which are the perfect counter to adrenaline. Being outdoors, being in nature, and breathing fresh air away from electro-magnetic stressors is both invigorating and grounding.
Sleep. Getting enough sleep is vital for repairing burnt out adrenals and allowing the body to heal. Ideally get 8 hours of good quality sleep (ie going to bed before 10pm in a darkened room free from mobile phones, computers and television screens).
Love your kidneys: The adrenal glands sit directly above the kidneys and they're closely linked organs. Lemon and warm water is a great tonic for the kidneys - it's calming and cleansing, and perfect upon waking. Drink plenty of water throughout the day (up to 2 litres is ideal), and limit caffeine and alcohol consumption, which makes work for the kidneys.
I'm in the process of buying a house. It's been one of the most stressful things I've ever done, and I'm feeling it. Stress is incredibly acidifying. It doesn't matter how many green juices I drink, or how well I eat, when I'm stressed I can't get alkaline. Stress has a physical effect on the body, causing the adrenal glands to pump out adrenaline and corticosteroids. The knock-on effect of these powerful hormones is an increased heart rate, a less effective immune system and dehydration at a cellular level.
Whereas in nature the stress response is a powerful life saver, for most of us it's become a fabricated reaction to a too-fast pace of life. When our bodies perceive danger, we're flooded with adrenalin, the Fight-or-Flight hormone, which gives us superhuman (yes, really) power, to flee the scene, or fight our attacker (historically this was presumably a wolf, not an estate agent!) Corticosteroids are also produced, and work FOR us by temporarily increasing energy production. However, they suppress the body's immune and inflammatory (short term healing) response. They also work in opposition to DHEA, an androgen produced by the adrenals which protects bone density, regulates sleep patterns, and maintains cardiovascular health by controlling bad cholesterol levels. In this modern world, many of us are in a permanent state of stress: when we're late, when we have an altercation with our boss, or when we miss a deadline. None of these situations is life threatening, but the resulting stress certainly is.
Of course this constant, excessive hormone production is harsh on the adrenal glands. Over time they become depleted and the body becomes unable to produce enough DHEA (the very hormone which balances the effects of steroids and adrenalin in the body). The result is lowered immune function, fatigue, sweet cravings, reliance on caffeine, low libido and disrupted sleep.
Although stress is real to our cells and organs, the truth is that most of it is created in our heads. And so we have power OVER it. These are my top stress busting tips. I'm writing them down in the hope that I will remember to use them more often!!!
BREATHE. Deeply and from the stomach. Ten deep, committed breaths will slow your heart rate, sending the signal to your body that you are safe.
Find a time and a place to meditate. This doesn't have to be a daily, dedicated, hour long practice. Even five minutes of mind-silence will take you to a place of calm. Longer periods spent in contemplation can give you precious insights into the world. What often comes up for me is that 'it doesn't matter' or 'it's OK'. I see my problems in a better perspective. I become aware of my organs, my heartbeat, my breath, and I see how hard my brain is making my body work.
Get out and MOVE. Exercise, in whatever form, releases happy hormones, which are the perfect counter to adrenaline. Being outdoors, being in nature, and breathing fresh air away from electro-magnetic stressors is both invigorating and grounding.
Sleep. Getting enough sleep is vital for repairing burnt out adrenals and allowing the body to heal. Ideally get 8 hours of good quality sleep (ie going to bed before 10pm in a darkened room free from mobile phones, computers and television screens).
Love your kidneys: The adrenal glands sit directly above the kidneys and they're closely linked organs. Lemon and warm water is a great tonic for the kidneys - it's calming and cleansing, and perfect upon waking. Drink plenty of water throughout the day (up to 2 litres is ideal), and limit caffeine and alcohol consumption, which makes work for the kidneys.
Friday, 13 September 2013
Speaking up
Despite a great fear of public speaking, I recently agreed to talk to a small group of women. The brief was "A three minute mini-talk on something that you're passionate about." Unsurprisingly I spoke about the thing which has changed my life; cancer. As I practiced my little speech over and over again, the message became clear, and it was that we all have a choice. Whether your choice is chemotherapy, or any one of the alternatives, the simple fact that you have educated yourself, that you are aware that you are making a CHOICE, is so empowering. Being empowered takes us away from being a victim. Being empowered is the first step towards healing.
I observed my body under stress throughout that mini-talk, I used everything I'd learned to breathe deeply and to be calm. I wasn't totally aware of what I was saying, but at the end of that nerve-shattering 3 minutes, I was met with faces registering just a little bit of shock at what I'd said, and in that moment I realised (sadly) that there will always be an audience for cancer.
I can't deny that I got a buzz from telling my story that night, from showing that there are different healing modalities. In that spirit, when I was asked to film a testimonial for Dr Nyjon Eccles about thermography as opposed to mammograms, I jumped at it, feeling nervous, but passionate about sharing some of what I'd learned. I feel so strongly that the current medical paradigm isn't working, that we need to update screening technology to safer, less invasive methods, which already exist but are not mainstream. (I've discussed my feelings about mammograms in my post about monitoring). How amazing would it be if a generation of women sidestepped the dangers of mammograms and benefitted from the earlier detection that a thermo-scan offers.
Here's the link to the video;
https://www.facebook.com/BreastScreeningUK/posts/712875578726724?notif_t=like
I observed my body under stress throughout that mini-talk, I used everything I'd learned to breathe deeply and to be calm. I wasn't totally aware of what I was saying, but at the end of that nerve-shattering 3 minutes, I was met with faces registering just a little bit of shock at what I'd said, and in that moment I realised (sadly) that there will always be an audience for cancer.
Here's the link to the video;
https://www.facebook.com/BreastScreeningUK/posts/712875578726724?notif_t=like
Thursday, 27 June 2013
There are lies, damn lies, and statistics
The joy at the recent headline-grabbing news about Angelina Jolie's elective preventative mastectomy is understandable if you believe that her risk went from 85% to 5%. In truth that was her RELATIVE risk. Her ABSOLUTE risk of dying of breast cancer due to the BRCA1 gene was an increase of 1.7%.
Despite passing my statistics 'O' level, I was never very good at maths. Sitting in the oncologists office, how I wished I'd paid more attention. None of the figures thrown at me made any sense. Of 100 women in my age bracket (40 - 50 years old) with the same sized tumour (2 - 5cms) and the same amount of positive lymph nodes (1 - 10) only 65% would survive 5 years without any allopathic treatment. What did that mean? I had no idea. The second opinion doctor was straighter with me. When I asked him did I have a 65 percent chance of surviving until I was 45, his answer was no. I had a 50 % chance. I would live, or I would die.
My Dad tried to explain relative risk vs absolute risk. I was none the wiser, but I was told that my chance of surviving 5 years decreased from between 90% - 80% to 75% - 65% if I chose to reject chemotherapy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen. (The figures changed depending on which consultant I saw, and how optimistic they were with my 'data') In total, the 3 biggest guns that the NHS had to offer gave me (at best) an increased survival rate of 15 percent. Chemotherapy alone offered me just 5 percent. FIVE PERCENT? And that was without taking into consideration the potential carcinogenic side-effects.
I asked my oncologist, who are these women who have chosen to do 'nothing'? What is 'nothing'? Are they smokers? Overweight? He didn't have answers. And later I learned that statistics are actually stacked drug against drug, not necessarily against a 'clean' control group. I have certainly never been asked to be a part of any survey, and even if I were, I would argue vehemently that I have done 'nothing' to prevent a recurrence.
Regardless of any numbers, none of the allopathic options offered to me resonated.
In my opinion, it's vital to understand that we're not a collection of body parts. We cannot chop bits off hoping to evade a systemic disease borne not of inheritance, but of toxicity and deficiency. Epigenetics tells us that it is the environment within the body which switches genes on or off. How empowering to know that we have some control, that by creating an alkaline, oxygen-rich environment, disease is far less likely to happen. Japanese women who carry the BRCA1 gene have a 65% less chance of a cancer diagnosis than their American sisters with the same inherited faulty gene, unless they move to America, then the rates level out very quickly. What does this tell us? That cancer is a disease of malnutrition and lifestyle.
Despite passing my statistics 'O' level, I was never very good at maths. Sitting in the oncologists office, how I wished I'd paid more attention. None of the figures thrown at me made any sense. Of 100 women in my age bracket (40 - 50 years old) with the same sized tumour (2 - 5cms) and the same amount of positive lymph nodes (1 - 10) only 65% would survive 5 years without any allopathic treatment. What did that mean? I had no idea. The second opinion doctor was straighter with me. When I asked him did I have a 65 percent chance of surviving until I was 45, his answer was no. I had a 50 % chance. I would live, or I would die.
My Dad tried to explain relative risk vs absolute risk. I was none the wiser, but I was told that my chance of surviving 5 years decreased from between 90% - 80% to 75% - 65% if I chose to reject chemotherapy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen. (The figures changed depending on which consultant I saw, and how optimistic they were with my 'data') In total, the 3 biggest guns that the NHS had to offer gave me (at best) an increased survival rate of 15 percent. Chemotherapy alone offered me just 5 percent. FIVE PERCENT? And that was without taking into consideration the potential carcinogenic side-effects.
I asked my oncologist, who are these women who have chosen to do 'nothing'? What is 'nothing'? Are they smokers? Overweight? He didn't have answers. And later I learned that statistics are actually stacked drug against drug, not necessarily against a 'clean' control group. I have certainly never been asked to be a part of any survey, and even if I were, I would argue vehemently that I have done 'nothing' to prevent a recurrence.
Regardless of any numbers, none of the allopathic options offered to me resonated.
In my opinion, it's vital to understand that we're not a collection of body parts. We cannot chop bits off hoping to evade a systemic disease borne not of inheritance, but of toxicity and deficiency. Epigenetics tells us that it is the environment within the body which switches genes on or off. How empowering to know that we have some control, that by creating an alkaline, oxygen-rich environment, disease is far less likely to happen. Japanese women who carry the BRCA1 gene have a 65% less chance of a cancer diagnosis than their American sisters with the same inherited faulty gene, unless they move to America, then the rates level out very quickly. What does this tell us? That cancer is a disease of malnutrition and lifestyle.
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
Scars
Before I had my right breast removed, I couldn't imagine my body without it. The days leading up to the operation were difficult. I tried hard to prepare for it's absence, but it was impossible, inconceivable.
I never wanted a reconstruction, hating the idea of unnecessary further surgery. Besides, anaesthetic suppresses the immune system (as do the inevitable subsequent anti-biotics and pain-killers), and I was trying to boost my immune system to deal with any residual cancer. I was working hard to detoxify, so the idea of loading my liver with toxins was counter-intuitive. I disliked the idea of silicon in my body, a foreign object that would permanently remind me of what I had lost. I didn't even consider the more complicated surgeries which would involve taking fat and skin from my belly and back. I imagined a body-map of scars and a possible franken-boob. My final, absolute no-no was allowing a surgeon to 'match' my remaining, (and let's face it, after 28 months of breast-feeding, well worn) breast, to it's new perky, plastic counterpart. Cutting into my healthy breast, and leaving it potentially lacking sensitivity seemed a little crazy.
The worst part of the operation was the tubes which were sewn into the surgery site to drain off lymph fluid, and their removal a few days later. I can't honestly say that I remember pain, more bruising and tightness, which continued for some months.
Naturally, it took time to get used to my new body. It was uncomfortable, and I got a shock every time I saw myself in the mirror. I guarded my surgery site with my arm, scared that my children would hurt me as they came in to land for cuddles. Looking back, I resembled a bird with a broken wing. It took a while to get full mobility back in my arm, and the area under my armpit is still a little numb. That first summer I hated my prosthesis; a hot, sweaty burden, heavy and unnatural. But I'm a sucker for symmetrical, so I persevered.
Now I wear my scars with pride, they're thin and the wounds are well healed. And what are scars if not a visual reminder of survival?
My husband, amazingly supportive throughout, has no issues with his one-breasted wife, and I still walk around naked in front of my children. They're all totally un-phased by my missing body part, if a little unimpressed by my immodesty!!!
These are intensely personal decisions, and I make no judgement of what others choose. I understand the weight of attachment to a breast and the potential loss of identity post-mastectomy. For me, I simply accept my new body, and that makes me happy.
I never wanted a reconstruction, hating the idea of unnecessary further surgery. Besides, anaesthetic suppresses the immune system (as do the inevitable subsequent anti-biotics and pain-killers), and I was trying to boost my immune system to deal with any residual cancer. I was working hard to detoxify, so the idea of loading my liver with toxins was counter-intuitive. I disliked the idea of silicon in my body, a foreign object that would permanently remind me of what I had lost. I didn't even consider the more complicated surgeries which would involve taking fat and skin from my belly and back. I imagined a body-map of scars and a possible franken-boob. My final, absolute no-no was allowing a surgeon to 'match' my remaining, (and let's face it, after 28 months of breast-feeding, well worn) breast, to it's new perky, plastic counterpart. Cutting into my healthy breast, and leaving it potentially lacking sensitivity seemed a little crazy.
The worst part of the operation was the tubes which were sewn into the surgery site to drain off lymph fluid, and their removal a few days later. I can't honestly say that I remember pain, more bruising and tightness, which continued for some months.
 |
| Mastectomy and Lymphadenectomy scars |
Now I wear my scars with pride, they're thin and the wounds are well healed. And what are scars if not a visual reminder of survival?
My husband, amazingly supportive throughout, has no issues with his one-breasted wife, and I still walk around naked in front of my children. They're all totally un-phased by my missing body part, if a little unimpressed by my immodesty!!!
These are intensely personal decisions, and I make no judgement of what others choose. I understand the weight of attachment to a breast and the potential loss of identity post-mastectomy. For me, I simply accept my new body, and that makes me happy.
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