Hello, it's been a while

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. Almost 4 years to the day in fact!

Today I received a lovely message from a friend who said that she had only just realised that the blog she followed when she was newly diagnosed was mine. She had wondered what had happened to the author and if she was still well. Her message got me thinking about all of the reasons I wrote this blog, and all of the reasons why I stopped.

Two and a half years after my own diagnosis, I started documenting my cancer experience. It took me that long to feel safe enough to blog, to feel well enough mentally, physically and emotionally to share my story. Around that time I was receiving a lot of emails and phone calls from people who were interested in alternative treatments, many of whom who had reached the end of their allopathic journey and were looking for something else. Because I had rejected chemotherapy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen, those people were curious about my protocols. The blog was a place where I could signpost people to all of the wonderful practitioners and treatments that I had found, and it served as a possible shortcut when, at the point of diagnosis, overwhelmed and scared, we find ourselves needing answers fast. I called it Grow because I was still learning. Ten years on, I am still learning. The ideas in the blog are all seeds. Seeds that others can take and plant, research and identify with, or discard if they don't resonate.

Around that time I started admin-ing on a wonderful Facebook group, Cancerucan. That group is an utter beacon of hope and solidarity to those experiencing cancer. I got heavily emotionally involved on a daily basis. I felt that suddenly I had a connection with people who were speaking my language. A language of circulating cancer cells, genetic polymorphisms, hormone tests .. and fear. Initially it was a blessed relief and it calmed my feelings of isolation. But over time I began to feel that cancer was defining me.

My world once again turned into a place where cancer hung in every moment. As an admin, for a long while it was my job to join new members. That involved talking to people who were often newly diagnosed, at the exact point of their most intense feelings about life and death. Over time that level of anxiety became pervasive. I had a skewed perspective on how prevalent cancer was. I started to see it everywhere, in every stranger's cough, every friend's ache, in my husband and my children.

And then I took a step back and looked at my immediate physical environment. We had moved to Lewes by then, and my community was that of creatives and home educators. No-one had cancer. My real life was not, in fact, all about cancer. My real life was about nature and connection, learning, being, freedom from routine ... it was about all of the things that I love.

I thought about the ways in which our cells mutate to survive in hostile environments in the body. In acidic, dehydrated, toxic environments. I looked at the mental and emotional environment I was creating in my body, and it was NOT conducive to health. My REAL environment however, was.

I decided that I was finally ready to cut the cord. Cancer had certainly served me in ways that I had been unprepared for. It had allowed me to reclaim my voice, shown me how to develop a spiritual practice, given me a loving lesson in nutrition and taught me that to learn I had to un-learn. It had released in me the strength to start a new life which felt more compatible with my soul's desires. But I hadn't noticed that over time I had held on so tightly to my new master, unwilling to let it go, that it had in fact become my master.

I stopped writing the blog and I stopped being an admin on Cancerucan. I began to put my energy into positive, local enterprises. I started a Wellness group for young home educated teenagers. We have been running it weekly for almost 2 years now. To be able to share what I have learned with these healthy, open, enquiring, articulate young people is an incredible blessing. To share the premise that we are each responsible for our own health, with a group of kids who are open to that idea is just amazing. We have talked about the big stuff like epigenetics, and the small stuff, like the cell. We have played games to support our learning about phase 1 and 2 liver detox, and we have foraged over the Downs, and made natural medicine from our hauls. I want these children to understand that they have choices in how they eat, think, breathe and live. I want them to understand that they can positively impact their health. I want them to develop a running conversation with their bodies so that they can respond to lack or toxicity, rather than masking symptoms with an allopathic mindset. Most of all I want them never to have to get to the stage of ill health that I did because I wasn't equipped with an understanding of how my body worked.

As for my health. It has been 10 years and 2 months since my diagnosis. I am still counting! I am well, and managing my health from a functional perspective. I pulse my protocols depending on where I feel my body needs support. At the moment I am going gently through menopause, and I find myself, after years of painful periods, oestrogen dominance and breast cancer, missing oestrogen and all of the wisdom it rhythmically dispensed. I am well, with no evidence of cancer. But I am always mindful of maintaining that healthy internal environment that keeps cancer quiescent. For me that is a mind, body and spirit approach that serves me well.