My latest test results show the third consecutive increase in circulating cancer cells. This time all genetic markers for metastasis are switched on.
This doesn't mean that I have metastases - it just means that my risk is higher. To put it into perspective, conventional tests would most likely still show No Evidence of Disease.
Initially I was in shock. Since the last test, 4 months ago, I've been on a very rigid vegan, sugar-free, low carb diet, certainly the strictest I've ever been. I'd started a new protocol including medicinal mushrooms, curcumin and flax oil on top of all of the usual supplements. I've been doing daily coffee enemas, juicing and smoothies. I've walked and moved more than ever before. I fully anticipated a reduced cell count. So much for expectation!
My usual knee jerk reaction would be to tighten up even more, but this time something new has happened. I've decided to stop pushing harder in what is starting to feel like self punishment. This has never been a battle, and I don't want it to start feeling like one.
I've sat in my fear, allowed it to wash over me, examined my anxiety about possible progression of disease, about death.
My wise husband sat with me on night one, the night of tears and no sleep. He told me that I need to stop thinking about why I NEED to be here, and start thinking about why I WANT to be here. Love that! I seem to have set myself a remarkable list of obligations to remain earth bound. Home educating our kids is a huge responsibility, one which I feel I need to see through. Being a Mum is a 'thing' in itself. Leaving young children and the implications of that was not what I signed up for. But I'm not afraid of death, and the more I sit with these feelings, the more I understand that I can do my best, but I cannot force healing.
On day two I cleaned the house as a distraction. What occurred to me during my frenzy was that I have to LIVE until I die. Not just exist. Taste the sweetness of life. Enjoy food. Travel. Allow myself to look forward. Release expectation.
On day three I started running. I realised that I've never used my body like this. It felt good. My lungs burned, legs ached. With every step I envisaged cancer cells exploding. I started to feel positivity returning. I felt closer to God, more connected. I started to trust that the universe has a plan for me. It may not be the plan I had for myself, but it's all OK.
In the meantime, normality has resumed. I have a loose plan. I'm going to repeat the Chemosensitivity test I had in 2011 to see how 'my' (I hate to own them, but I guess they are mine) cancer cells have changed, and which natural compounds might impact them, with a view to either reducing my count or reversing the (weakly) positive changes that have made them likely to metastasise. Targeted therapy seems sensible. Supplements are expensive. Taking as much guesswork out of the equation as possible makes sense.
Until the renewed protocol reveals itself, I've vastly reduced my supplemental regime. I'm giving my liver a break. I'm enjoying nightly saunas and liver packs along with coffee enemas and positive visualisation. Today I enjoyed some dark chocolate - it never tasted so good! I'm still working towards balance. I'll let you know if I ever get there!
In what may seem like a counter-intuitive move, I've also decided to repeat the Minimal Residual Disease Test less often. Every test creates stress, and most results seem to invoke shock. Shock puts the body into fight or flight mode. In this state I'm not absorbing nutrients and I have no immune system! Acupuncture has been really helping me to reset, but it's a destructive cycle.
Fear is gone and this feels like a good place to start again from. My mind is strong, my body is becoming strong. It's all good. My best is good enough. I love myself and life is great.