Thursday, 29 May 2014

Releasing Expectations

When I discovered that conceiving a baby with my husband was going to be neither easy, nor conventional, I learned a hard lesson....we don't always get what we want. There was deep grief, a sense of loss, and lack of acceptance. Until this point I had always believed that whatever you desire is achievable if you work hard for it. Overnight I had lost my naive sense of misplaced entitlement and it came as a shock.

Fast forward almost 12 years (and two children later); I feel well. I Am well. I'm doing everything in my realm of sustainable effort to survive cancer, but that experience dulled my belief that you can strive for, and achieve, whatever you want. For a long time I retained a little place in my heart for the possibility that I may not be able to reverse disease. Sometimes I used this as a disclaimer, and I understood how dangerous that was. I'm well aware that many people do not survive cancer, regardless of which healing modality they use. Only recently have I come to fully embrace the fact that the choices I've made have contributed to a perversely magnificent existence, and a quality of life that I have never previously experienced.

When we strip away expectation and entitlement we become fully present to what is ACTUALLY happening, and life becomes an amazing series of moments, lived fully, enjoyed wildly, appreciated entirely. The key is to be conscious that every experience can serve as a positive lesson if we're willing to observe and be open.

I don't feel sad about that little place in my heart. I see it as a space of recognition, a place where I'm aware that I no longer hold on to old ideals. Everything IS possible, and that in itself is a miracle.


  1. Hello there, yes, finding yourself living a life you don't want – in my case, without children, with cancer, alone, in a place that has never felt like home – is a dangerous place to be in. I find it hard to isolate these components, and to accept them, and instead group them under the great universal and incredibly damaging banner "I don't want this life". I feel impotent, powerless, in a way that is full of frustration and deep-seated disappointment. I can't find a way of stepping off this path life has put me on so my 'acceptance' of it is more like a defeated resignation. I wish it could all be different. That I could be different, so that I could make things different.

  2. Lovely Xenia, I know this sounds trite, and I know exactly where you're coming from, but you have the power within you to create change (without expectation) and live a life you love. But to make it happen, you need to know what you do want, rather than what you don't. I missed you yesterday - were you in Brighton? xxxxx

  3. Hello, yes, I was, visiting my friend Tim for the day. Sorry I missed you. Will try to give you more notice next time. how was Cornwall? And Ibiza

  4. Amazing both!!!!! Let's get a date in the diary!!!