When I discovered that conceiving a baby with my husband was going to be neither easy, nor conventional, I learned a hard lesson....we don't always get what we want. There was deep grief, a sense of loss, and lack of acceptance. Until this point I had always believed that whatever you desire is achievable if you work hard for it. Overnight I had lost my naive sense of misplaced entitlement and it came as a shock.
Fast forward almost 12 years (and two children later); I feel well. I Am well. I'm doing everything in my realm of sustainable effort to survive cancer, but that experience dulled my belief that you can strive for, and achieve, whatever you want. For a long time I retained a little place in my heart for the possibility that I may not be able to reverse disease. Sometimes I used this as a disclaimer, and I understood how dangerous that was. I'm well aware that many people do not survive cancer, regardless of which healing modality they use. Only recently have I come to fully embrace the fact that the choices I've made have contributed to a perversely magnificent existence, and a quality of life that I have never previously experienced.
When we strip away expectation and entitlement we become fully present to what is ACTUALLY happening, and life becomes an amazing series of moments, lived fully, enjoyed wildly, appreciated entirely. The key is to be conscious that every experience can serve as a positive lesson if we're willing to observe and be open.
I don't feel sad about that little place in my heart. I see it as a space of recognition, a place where I'm aware that I no longer hold on to old ideals. Everything IS possible, and that in itself is a miracle.