Monday, 22 April 2013

Who Am I?

I'm a woman who has had breast cancer, but I'm more than that. I'm a Wife, a Mother, a Daughter, a Sister and a Friend. Sometimes I'm Scared. Mostly I'm not. I read, I research, and I'm Positive. I believe that I'll remain cancer-free, that I'll see my children grow, that I'll live long enough for them not to need me so much. That's where Fear lives, not in the idea of actually dying, but of leaving my family.

Sometimes I cry tears of disappointment, but never of self-pity. I put energy into my wellbeing, and as a result I feel healthy. But not safe. Never again will I take my health for granted, I know that this area of my life needs consistent, continued input.

I carry the weight of my prognosis constantly. That doesn't always mean worrying about cancer, sometimes it means learning from it, sometimes being driven by it, always accepting what is, and what has been.

I try to listen to my body, but pain still freaks me out. Could it be a recurrence? Have I missed something?

I watch in disbelief as cancer claims the lives of people I know, and I try to find a place of reason and understanding.

I cherish my life, I'm Alive.

I embrace my scars, they're part of me. I rarely feel the loss of my breast, but when I do it's an indescribable grief that I can't comprehend - a raw absence.

Mostly I feel Blessed. Blessed to explore a world of health and spirituality that previously eluded me, to be connected to kindred spirits, in a place of constant learning and healing. Perhaps the gift of cancer is to share all that I've learned with those I love, without them having to endure the uncertainty and pain of a diagnosis. For this I'm Grateful.

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