Anticipatory grief

Yesterday I learned a new term: anticipatory grief. It refers to a feeling of grief occurring before an impending loss. I am deeply grieving my dog. And he is still here.

In a way this form of grief gives us the gift of time. We are able to really soak Ace in before he is gone forever. We can say sorry, I love you, goodbye. In another way it is agonising. It means facing a reality that I desperately don't want to face, that we are on an inevitable, unexpected journey to a destination without him. 

Yesterday I saw a wonderful homeopathic, herbalist vet, Tim Couzens. This man smiled from his eyes. He greeted us in shorts and a t-shirt. Everything about his practice felt comforting. There was hope in his demeanour, and in his rows of tinctures, herbs and natural medicines. I had waited 8 long days to meet this gentle man. He shares with me a belief in supporting root cause, in natural medicine, in holding an animal with dignity and love. And he couldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. 

He listened to my description of my larger than life, beautiful dog, before calmly telling me that from looking at his scan results, Ace's condition is severe. His heart is so enlarged that it no longer resembles a heart. My boy's body is working hard, and he could experience a fatal heart attack at any moment. Tim recommended supplements which I I am already giving - hawthorn, dandelion, COQ10, plus CBD oil and L-carnitine. He hopes to see us again in two weeks. I understand the inference of that sentence. 

The natural supplements feel right and good for my dog and for the way we live. They are supportive of the heart muscle, as opposed to the pharmaceutical drugs which are symptom-addressing. I believe in the power of the body to heal. I believe in plant based medicine to support that. I also believe that most diseases are borne of toxicity or deficiency, and that we need to eliminate toxins, and re-nutrify if we are to heal. The conventional medicines are potent, and needed to regulate Ace's heartbeat and remove water from his lungs. My dog is teaching me about being open to new ideas, about combining allopathic and natural medicines. He is teaching me about an integrative approach, which for so long I've quietly rejected.

Just before meeting Tim we saw a wonderful therapist, Lisa Gorrie, who works with 'Applied Zoopharmacognosy'. This is the practice of supporting your pet to self-medicate and heal themselves through scent, plant based medicines and nutrients. Working this way, you never force or hide medications and supplements, you simply offer them, trusting that your pet will choose what they need. It's the ultimate lesson in relinquishing control and it takes the pet-owner relationship to a new level. My boy loved it! He chose antivirals and antibacterials and immediately got his appetite back. He knows what he needs, and if I'm mindful he will show me how best to support him, even if that is in dying. 

And so to dying. For many years I have felt solid in my beliefs about life and death. And yet here I find myself, emotional, desperate and bewildered at the impending loss of my dog. My dog. It feels outrageous to be so deeply attached to an animal when I have experienced the loss of friends and family. It occurs to me that grief-pain comes from the inability to let go, from the desperate refusal to accept and support the natural process of dying. The one kindness I seem able to give myself at the moment, amongst too much coffee and not enough sleep, is really owning all of the feelings. Allowing the crazy thoughts of how we can hold on to him, or a piece of him. The mental bargaining, the clinging and pleading with him not to go. The irrational, ugly thoughts. The anxiety about having to miss my dog every day for the rest of my life. The melodrama and the emotional flatline. 

Denial is one of my favourite places to be at the moment. In denial I can feel optimistic. As Sophie Sabbage says in her brilliant Ted Talk about grief, denial is not grief, denial is denial. Anger is not grief, anger is anger. The stages of grief are not linear or compartmentalised. They all have a place and a purpose. 

We are still out foraging. This morning I found Ace drinking comfrey water in the garden. It's rich in potassium, magnesium and B vitamins - all good for the heart, all depleted by his medicines. He knows. He hasn't forgotten to trust his instincts. We went on a long, gentle walk over the downs looking for comfrey and finding wild roses, anti-inflammatory and supportive of the heart and circulation. 

I also feel inspired to finally cable our wifi, something which has been on my to-do list for a long time, never completed. Wifi is well known to negatively interrupt the vibration of pets, and children, who are much more sensitive to it's frequency disruption than adults (although it absolutely affects us too!) The heart is an electrical organ, it makes sense that it would impact heart rate and circulation. 

There is so much to learn. And so much to love. 

Puppy lessons part two

My beloved dog, Ace, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure this week. He is almost 5 and usually has the most robust and vivacious energy. To say that we are all devastated would be an understatement. And so begins a new journey with him - one of even more presence and renewed unconditional love. There are so many lessons revealing themselves. From acknowledging our feelings, to being mindful of our energy around him. With the shock of a diagnosis comes the gift of a life thrown once again into technicolour, the surprise that that lesson had faded, that there had been some subtle seepage of comfortable taking-for-granted. And again, the big lessons, the reminders to trust and surrender.

Ace is a beautiful, big dog. Huge. He has always attracted attention from strangers, and been lavished with love and affection. As a result he is incredibly curious about, and loving towards, people. He is wonderfully patient and gentle with children. His heart has been relentlessly, unconditionally filled with love. Maybe that is why it's so big. His left ventricle is enlarged and failing to push oxygenated blood efficiently around his body. As a result there is fluid building around his lungs, making his breathing fast and laboured. He has lost weight and his coat is rough. His body is working hard. 

But he is still playful and happy. He smiles. The wag is enthusiastic and when it meets an obstacle (which it frequently does in our small house) it reverberates. He rushes to dance with me when we play salsa music. That dance is not the most elegant, and involves him jumping (invited) onto my back, front paws gripping my waist, his head nibbling my shoulder, while he kangaroo hops ten inches off the floor. He comes for a blow dry when he hears the hairdryer. He is hilarious. Strong. Soulful. We find him endlessly beautiful to look at. None of us has ever managed to sufficiently drink him in. He is majestic, derpy and handsome. He is soft. His paws smell of popcorn. We have painted the inside of one of our cupboards pink in homage to the delicious colour of the inside of his ears. We are obsessed with this dog.

He has taught me so so much in the past 5 years. My journey with him has totalled half of my post diagnosis life. He has truly shown me my ultimate healing environment by finally being the one to get me moving. We have covered much ground over days, weeks, months and years. We must have walked close to 10,000 kms together. He has shown me the seasons, the changes, the beauty of nature pushing up in Spring, and the coldness of muddy East Sussex winters. We have favourite pathways, rivers, forests and chalk pits. We forage together. He has shown me why we should eat cleaver tips in spring and where the best elderflowers blossom. Together we have discovered fields of clover, wild cowslips, hogwort, mullein, dulcamara, and hawthorn. We know where the peregrine falcons nest, and which fields hold the sheep that he would so love to chase. We get high, up onto the South Downs, and low, onto the beaches where there is sand at low tide. He has given me the gift of freedom and of feeling connected to Mother Earth in a way I have never before been, or thought possible. And he has shown me how to see love and familiarity in all animals, in the way they lay, scratch, stretch. No lie, elephants in Sri Lanka reminded me of my dog, as did camels in Morocco. And by being part of a dog walking community I have made wonderful new friends, and I see the genuine kindness in humans. 

And so to his healing, and the acceptance that maybe that is not what will be. For weeks now he and I have been walking through fields of hawthorn trees heavy with blossom. I have taken to bringing a large basket and secateurs on those walks, and collecting the flowers and leaves, not really knowing why this year in particular I have been drawn to cut, dehydrate and make tincture from these beautiful plants. I was aware of their powers to aid circulation, support the kidneys and improve heart function. And also for their potency in grief. And so, Ace and I find that we are both taking the medicine from this plant. 

I'm amazed at how similar the allopathic treatment for congestive heart failure is for humans and dogs. That has lead me to believe that I can support Ace with herbs, homeopathy and supplements based on what I know about the human body. As such we are giving fermented cod liver oil, vitamin E and oily fish to counter the cardiac cachexia (lean muscle weight loss). He is also taking liposomal glutathione and taurine, and we will be starting him on COQ10 as soon as it arrives. Magnesium and potassium are vital for heart health, and we are adding those to bone broth with colostrum. We feel lucky that we have all of these supplements indoors. He is raw fed and not interested in treats. I am having to be creative about getting him to eat these supplements, but I wholeheartedly believe in the power of supporting body systems with nutraceuticals, so I will find a way. 

He has been prescribed diuretics to move fluid from his lungs. These will eventually deplete his kidneys to the point of failure. I am keen to find alternatives to pharmaceuticals, but it feels like a fine line and a huge responsibility. At the moment I am giving him homeopathy to help with this, and we are making fresh teas from plants which are diuretic, like dandelion. As the dandelion wanes, I am looking for plants that are fresh and relevant. He is still teaching me. Elderflowers have diuretic properties, and are abundant at the moment. This local, seasonal magic feels potent to me right now. 

He has also, maybe ironically considering his name, huge personality and big heart, been prescribed ACE inhibitors. This medicine widens and dilates blood vessels so that his heart doesn't have to work so hard. There have been studies to show that pomegranate juice is as effective. Pomegranate is in his protocol. 

It's a lesson in patience. We are watching him. Making sure he is comfortable. I will let him guide me in whether he needs more, less or something different. 

Beyond the physical healing he is teaching me to be even more gentle, patient and communicative with my children who are aching at the moment. I've realised that whether he lives or dies, he was always going to teach us about the process of dying. And of loss. And of letting go. Maybe that will be his biggest lesson to us all. 

But at the end of all of that is LOVE.

Hello, it's been a while

It's been a while since I've written a blog post. Almost 4 years to the day in fact!

Today I received a lovely message from a friend who said that she had only just realised that the blog she followed when she was newly diagnosed was mine. She had wondered what had happened to the author and if she was still well. Her message got me thinking about all of the reasons I wrote this blog, and all of the reasons why I stopped.

Two and a half years after my own diagnosis, I started documenting my cancer experience. It took me that long to feel safe enough to blog, to feel well enough mentally, physically and emotionally to share my story. Around that time I was receiving a lot of emails and phone calls from people who were interested in alternative treatments, many of whom who had reached the end of their allopathic journey and were looking for something else. Because I had rejected chemotherapy, radiotherapy and tamoxifen, those people were curious about my protocols. The blog was a place where I could signpost people to all of the wonderful practitioners and treatments that I had found, and it served as a possible shortcut when, at the point of diagnosis, overwhelmed and scared, we find ourselves needing answers fast. I called it Grow because I was still learning. Ten years on, I am still learning. The ideas in the blog are all seeds. Seeds that others can take and plant, research and identify with, or discard if they don't resonate.

Around that time I started admin-ing on a wonderful Facebook group, Cancerucan. That group is an utter beacon of hope and solidarity to those experiencing cancer. I got heavily emotionally involved on a daily basis. I felt that suddenly I had a connection with people who were speaking my language. A language of circulating cancer cells, genetic polymorphisms, hormone tests .. and fear. Initially it was a blessed relief and it calmed my feelings of isolation. But over time I began to feel that cancer was defining me.

My world once again turned into a place where cancer hung in every moment. As an admin, for a long while it was my job to join new members. That involved talking to people who were often newly diagnosed, at the exact point of their most intense feelings about life and death. Over time that level of anxiety became pervasive. I had a skewed perspective on how prevalent cancer was. I started to see it everywhere, in every stranger's cough, every friend's ache, in my husband and my children.

And then I took a step back and looked at my immediate physical environment. We had moved to Lewes by then, and my community was that of creatives and home educators. No-one had cancer. My real life was not, in fact, all about cancer. My real life was about nature and connection, learning, being, freedom from routine ... it was about all of the things that I love.

I thought about the ways in which our cells mutate to survive in hostile environments in the body. In acidic, dehydrated, toxic environments. I looked at the mental and emotional environment I was creating in my body, and it was NOT conducive to health. My REAL environment however, was.

I decided that I was finally ready to cut the cord. Cancer had certainly served me in ways that I had been unprepared for. It had allowed me to reclaim my voice, shown me how to develop a spiritual practice, given me a loving lesson in nutrition and taught me that to learn I had to un-learn. It had released in me the strength to start a new life which felt more compatible with my soul's desires. But I hadn't noticed that over time I had held on so tightly to my new master, unwilling to let it go, that it had in fact become my master.

I stopped writing the blog and I stopped being an admin on Cancerucan. I began to put my energy into positive, local enterprises. I started a Wellness group for young home educated teenagers. We have been running it weekly for almost 2 years now. To be able to share what I have learned with these healthy, open, enquiring, articulate young people is an incredible blessing. To share the premise that we are each responsible for our own health, with a group of kids who are open to that idea is just amazing. We have talked about the big stuff like epigenetics, and the small stuff, like the cell. We have played games to support our learning about phase 1 and 2 liver detox, and we have foraged over the Downs, and made natural medicine from our hauls. I want these children to understand that they have choices in how they eat, think, breathe and live. I want them to understand that they can positively impact their health. I want them to develop a running conversation with their bodies so that they can respond to lack or toxicity, rather than masking symptoms with an allopathic mindset. Most of all I want them never to have to get to the stage of ill health that I did because I wasn't equipped with an understanding of how my body worked.

As for my health. It has been 10 years and 2 months since my diagnosis. I am still counting! I am well, and managing my health from a functional perspective. I pulse my protocols depending on where I feel my body needs support. At the moment I am going gently through menopause, and I find myself, after years of painful periods, oestrogen dominance and breast cancer, missing oestrogen and all of the wisdom it rhythmically dispensed. I am well, with no evidence of cancer. But I am always mindful of maintaining that healthy internal environment that keeps cancer quiescent. For me that is a mind, body and spirit approach that serves me well.

'23andme' test

There are 7 billion people on this planet, each with approximately 37.2 trillion cells, a unique genetic code and a myriad of detoxification pathways. I think that we can safely assume that when it comes to healing, what works for one person may not work for another. 

Personalised treatment demands individual testing. My latest exciting insights come from the 23andme genetic profile test. This test shows genetic SNPs - essentially 'mutations' (or more accurately 'polymorphisms') in the gene code. I'm just starting to learn about this, and it's pretty involved. 23andme analyses hundreds of thousands of SNPs scattered across 23 pairs of chromosomes which make up the human genetic sequence. This is just a fraction of the estimated 10 million possible SNPs in the human genome! Gulp. Now think about this - each of our estimated 20-25,000 known genes has a regulatory job. A SNP in a certain place of a certain gene indicates reduced function, and can give valuable insight into disease pathways.

The most well understood and important SNP is in the MTHFR gene. This gene instructs the body to make the MTHFR enzyme. This important enzyme is responsible for converting vitamin B9, or folate, into it's active form, Methylfolate, which is a key player in the METHYLATION CYCLE. This critical chemical process takes place billions of times per second in our cells and is fundamental to the proper function of almost all of the body's systems. Here's the science part (I wish I'd paid more attention during chemistry lessons!) Methylation is the process of donating a methyl group (one atom of carbon bound to three of hydrogen: CH3) to a substrate (an end product, ie DNA, RNA, chemicals, neurotransmitters, hormones, immune cells, nerves) to make the necessary biochemical conversions needed for:

     Gene regulation

     Detoxification (Processing chemicals and toxins)

     Building neurotransmitters

     Processing hormones

     Immune System Function (Creating T and Natural Killer Cells)

     Cellular repair (DNA and RNA synthesis)

     Energy production

     Myelination (the production of protective nerve coating)

So you see, if this important cycle is working under par due to a gene mutation, over time it can lead to degenerative disease; breast cancer, MS and Alzheimers to name a few. Around 40% of us have a SNP in the MTHFR gene. A heterozygous SNP (where one allele is affected but the other is fine) can decrease efficacy by up to 40%, and a homozygous (where both alleles are affected) by up to 90%.

And MTHFR is just one gene of around 20,000! I have homozygous SNPs in COMT and MAO-A, two important detoxification genes, both of which are responsible for inactivating the more dangerous forms of oestrogen, and breaking down catecholamines (dopamine and adrenaline). My methylation pathways are compromised with homozygous SNPs in MTR and MTRR genes, and I have heterozygous mutations in 20 other genes. 

My SNPs explain my inability to process B vitamins, my tendency to worry (are you reading this, husband?), my adrenal burn out, heavy metal toxicity and inability to metabolise oestrogen safely - a sure route to breast cancer. 

But there's no bad news here! The beauty of this incredible knowledge is, that according to epigenetics we can switch our genes on or off by adjusting our internal environment. With this information we can gently support the body in the areas of lack, for example by taking oestrogen detoxifiers like calcium d-glucarate and DIM, or bioavailable forms of methyl/hydroxy B12 and methylfolate. 

Information is power, and this test provides another very important piece of the puzzle. I would absolutely recommend everyone who is trying to heal from chronic disease to take it. It costs £125 and is available to order (in the UK) on-line, you simply spit into a tube and post. Results take 6 - 8 weeks to come back, and need to be run through an interpretation programme. I found Nutra-hacker to be the most simple to understand, with elegant diagrams explaining the implication of certain SNPs and how to address them supplementally.  

Dying. And living.

We're all going to die. We know this right? Death is an integral part of life. But how many of us live like we positively embrace and accept this fact? In the past few months so many beautiful souls that I know have passed. I wonder if any of us are ever ready. For some I sensed acceptance that it was time to soar. Others felt that they had more to do here. And yet, our only reason to BE is to Be Here Now, to taste the sweetness of every moment in this physical body.

Death Doulas seem like a pretty good idea to me. Just as birth is an elegant human process, so is dying. What a beautiful thing, to be supported and guided in this experience, with love, knowledge and compassion. I want my children to have this understanding, that at the point of death we can choose to be surrounded by loved ones who peacefully allow us to be released from our physical bodies, knowing they must gently support and allow this progression. That the time is right, that it's OK. 

My reasons to stay Earthbound come in human (and puppy) shaped forms. It's all about love. It's only about love. And yet where we're going after this life, there will be no end of love. My belief is that when we die that's all there is, we assimilate back into the one giant heartbeat that is God, or Source, or whatever word works for you. There is no need to fear death, instead we must surely wholly embrace life.

For me, the realisation that this life is a Good One, has been immense. I'm living in a state of abundance, blessed with a healthy family, a roof over my head and food on my table. I don't live in fear or poverty, and so I believe that I have an obligation to do the work in this lifetime - to grow spiritually. Cancer has been my biggest teacher, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm so grateful to have woken up. That I've been able to live every day since diagnosis wholly is a blessing. Sometimes it's felt onerous and intense, but I've never wanted to go back to sleep.

This week I bought a waterproof box. I put all of my cancer journals into it, and only on placing it in the loft did I realise that I'm ready to put cancer behind me, rather than being immersed in it, surrounded by it. I live by it's lessons, but I release the fear. 


For Karl, Hannah, Janet, Rosa, Grant and Maria: 

Raymond Carver - Late Fragment

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so? 

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

Puppy Classes

I'm simplifying my life. An unintentional cliched Christmas puppy has forced my hand. He's made me realise that everything can be as sublime as sniffing the invisible. I've been thinking about my approach to health, and I realise that it comes down to these three things:

Addressing the underlying imbalances that lead to cancer 
For me, this means balancing a wonky endocrine system, healing my leaky gut, nurturing & nourishing myself, exercising and getting good quality sleep.

Changing the external environment which lead to cancer. 
No more living the life I don't want whilst yearning for the one I do. I'm making it happen the way I want it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Reversing any cancer in my body.
I have a strong rotating protocol of anti cancer supplements which work by cutting tumour blood supply, encouraging cancer cell death and strengthening my immune system.

And that is it! Simple!

A love letter to my greatest teacher

Dear Cancer,

Thank you for teaching me that I don't need to be CURED to be healed, that I don't need to prove that the path I chose was the 'right' one. Now I understand that cured or not, it was always the right choice for me. You've taught me not to judge the individual ways that people approach life changes - there is no right or wrong way. I've learned that there is simply an ebb and flow to health and disease. Nothing is permanent.

Thank you for being my biggest catalyst for change. You forced me to create the life I always hankered for. I now have more freedom, more space and less conformity. You have given me permission to be myself.

I'm grateful that you taught me to be kinder to myself. To let go of the feeling that I was not 'good enough'. Thank you for allowing me to see my full potential, to understand that this life is a good one, and I can live it wholly. Thank you for showing me that there are no guarantees for tomorrow. I've stopped putting things off, and living in the present is proving exhilarating.

Thank you for teaching me that I have a choice in the way I react. Understanding that even the most challenging situation is a potential for growth is very empowering.

Without you I would not have tuned into my body's innate wisdom. It's a gift to feel the ways in which it guides me. I feel better when I eat well, sleep well, exercise and live consciously. It's good to be awake.

Thank you for showing me that acceptance is a comfort.

Thank you for teaching me about life....and death. I found faith in you. It holds me and teaches me to trust. For me, this has been a game changer.

With sincerest gratitude,

Nicola.